The path to embodying our hidden wholeness
Have you met yourself fully, in your wholeness? And I mean, really seen and witnessed all parts of you, and maybe even embraced all of them?
This is the question I heard myself asking within as I was moving through a particularly painful period of facing some of my old wounds and memories. And as I sat with this question, allowing it to seep from my mind to my body until my heart broke open and my soul spoke its truth, I heard the answer I had known all along - “No, I do not know who I really am. No, I have not met myself in my wholeness”.
Though a part of me would usually feel ashamed for not really knowing myself or meeting all parts of me, especially when I am a therapist working with others to empower themselves to meet with all their parts, this time I felt relief from finally admitting the truth. Because now, I no longer have to pretend that I know it all or that I am well put together. And now, I can simply be honest with myself. And honesty was something my soul was craving for - raw, simple honesty - no more hiding, no more sugar-coating, no more rationalising.
I may not have met with all of my own parts yet but I still do know myself the best - better than anyone else ever could. And as I began to allow this truth to settle into my being, I recognised all the ways by which I had been running away from myself since I was young, hiding parts of myself because they were not accepted or received by others in the way they needed to be. I recognised parts of myself that have taken the lead in my life to try and mould me into someone I think I should be, someone I believed the world wanted me to be, instead of simply relaxing into my natural being.
I recognised how the systems we live in are constantly colluding to make sure we never truly meet ourselves, let alone embrace all parts of ourselves. And it occurred to me that the day we meet ourselves in our full humanity and wholeness is the day we can finally begin dismantling these systems of oppression and toxic cultures around us.
Our “hidden wholeness”
We were never broken, we were always whole. It is the mirrors which we hold up to see ourselves that are broken, and so we only see the distorted images of ourselves. Photo by Jeremy Yap on Unsplash
I first came across this phrase ‘hidden wholeness’ in the book: ‘A hidden wholeness: The journey toward an undivided life’ by Parker Palmer. In it, Palmer shares that wholeness ‘is an integrity that comes from being’, it ‘does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life’ and aligning our actions with our deepest values and intentions. His words and life journey towards living a whole life, an undivided life, a life in which his outer being mirrored what was within, has stayed with me for a long time.
In fact, his words inspired me to go in search of my own hidden wholeness, and to explore the depths of the inner wilderness of my psyche. I began seeking for ways to return to my wholeness instead of staying stuck in my perfectionism (i.e. a part of me that said I would not be loved unless I became ‘perfect’). But back then, I did not really have a clear roadmap for doing this work - I was practicing as a social worker in my day job, and felt too conceited and mistrustful of others to ask for any external support (and honestly, I did not have many role models around me whom I saw embracing their wholeness so I wasn’t sure whom I could ask for help). I figured I will find my way alone through the wilderness but instead, I got lost in the search. For a few years, I became lost in the field of ‘self-development’ and spiritual bypassing. I developed an addiction to improving myself and becoming the ‘best version’ of myself without realising that this too was in fact a subtle way to mask my wholeness and prevent me from meeting all parts of myself with loving awareness and compassion.
So what keeps us from facing our wholeness?
Distractions, urgency, rushing from one thing to another, anxiety, excessive productivity, overworking, addictions, denial, perfectionism and dishonesty - these are some of the ways our protective internal system has devised to prevent us from knowing ourselves at a deeper level, and seeing ourselves in our wholeness. And at the root of all of these things that keep us from facing our wholeness, is our fear of facing our pains and vulnerabilities; our fear of facing our wounds of unworthiness, of not being loveable, and of not being enough just the way we are.
Do any of these patterns sound familiar to you? Are you perhaps running around in circles trying to avoid your own pain and wounded parts? And once again, I want to remind you that you’re not alone in this and you’re NOT bad, or wrong or at fault for being stuck in any one of these patterns either. You’re just being human. This too is part of our wholeness, our humanity. These are the parts of us that have developed certain adaptations to protect us from our past traumas and woundings in order to survive, to stay safe. And they need not be rejected, chastised or beaten into submission. What they need is spaciousness, softening and kind loving.
Just because the world has been hard on you, does not mean you should be hard (or harder) on yourself. Hardening our hearts, and toughening up can hide our wounds but they do not heal them. And when we hide what has not been healed, we miss out on the joy of living from our wholeness, and instead settle for a divided life. The divided life is one where we are:
Performing our roles in life in ways that do not feel true to us on the inside
Modifying our speech, actions and feelings in order to fit in with the dominant culture
Suppressing our own truth in favor of others’ opinions (perhaps as a form of people-pleasing or conflict avoidance)
Striving to live up to others’ expectations of us, instead of listening to our deeper desires for our lives
It is both tragic and funny how the systems and culture (be it our family, schools, community or the larger systems) around us are usually the first to inflict the original wound within us, and then continue to conspire with our protective parts to keep us from fully meeting our sweet, sensitive, vulnerable parts. This is the fuel that keeps the engines of capitalism, consumerism and hyperproductivity running, and they need us to be constantly focused on the outside so that we do not see the truth that all we truly need is already within us.
What then brings us closer towards our wholeness?
After years of searching for the answer to this question on the outside, I finally recognised that the only way I could ever embrace my wholeness was to be radically honest with myself.
Radical honesty requires both the act of admitting and accepting what is and is not. It is the prerequisite for radical self-responsibility (the ability to respond to our inner needs), and it needs to be paired with radical compassion. Compassion for all our parts, including the ones we hate, dislike or are unaccepted by ourselves or others.
Radical honesty allows us to create more intimacy with our true self, and with others. It allows us to deepen our relationship with life itself and become more fully embodied.
Radical honesty is like the fire of transformation - it can be frightening for many of our parts to face this fire of honesty, as they fear they might not survive the burns. Yet, the fire does not bring death. Instead, it transforms our parts from needing to constantly protect us from perceived dangers (both on the inside and out), into revealing their core nature and hidden gifts.
But how do we learn to sit with these parts of us that are so fearful, and also make room for the fire of honesty to burn as brightly as it needs?
The pathway to radical honesty is made of patience, gentleness, slowing down and listening inwards. This process is not meant to be rushed or forced or imposed on our parts. It requires the fire to be turned on slowly, gradually. So we begin this journey in small steps. As tiny a step as pausing for a second or two during a busy day, noticing our breath, and maybe acknowledging how we are feeling in that very moment.
The more frequently we practice the pause, and the longer each pause becomes, the more we allow for the light of awareness to dawn within us. During each pause, as we practice shifting our awareness on the external world to the world within, we allow for our parts to become more honest with ourselves. As we make space for more honesty and transparency between our Self and parts of ourselves, we are building up a reservoir of inner trust. And when our protective parts learn to trust in our Self (or soul), they begin to see that they need not work so hard to hide our wounds and exile our more sensitive parts. This Self-trust then creates the right environment for the healing of our wounds to take place, and for us to finally see, feel, touch, taste, smell and embody our wholeness.
Here’s what a life lived in integrity and wholeness could look like:
Embracing all parts of ourselves - our virtues, accomplishments, goodness as well as our flaws, mistakes and woundedness
Connecting with and acting from our deepest values and intentions
Engaging deeply in the work we choose to do with clear purpose and perception, thereby adding value to the lives of others
Standing firmly for what we believe in while remaining open to others’ opposing views or ideas with compassion
Being willing to be vulnerable and showing up as our truest self, no matter the external circumstance
Most of all, embracing wholeness also means making space for days when we forget that we are whole and worthy and complete within, or when we might act out of alignment of our authentic self due to fears and constraints placed by our own protective parts.
Wholeness is not a destination nor end result - it is the way by which we can live fully in alignment with our most authentic selves, and it is a daily practice of radical honesty, a daily prayer of our souls. There are no shortcuts or fast lanes, and there is no going back once you’ve started down this path.
Wholeness is more than the sum of our parts. It is not simply a collection of our thoughts, memories, feelings, bodily sensations, hurts or gifts. Our wholeness includes all of that and more - it is a field of Self-energy encompassing all of our parts - the ones who protect us by pre-empting harm, the ones who have been exiled, and the ones who protect us through extreme behaviours, as well as our core Self.
What I envision our hidden wholeness to be like
I like to think of our core Self as our soul - the never-dying consciousness that transcends all space and time, and that lives on as an aspect of ‘God’ or Source or collective consciousness (or whatever other name by which you’d like to call the force that is greater than us humans). And if you’re someone who does not believe in a force greater than all of us, that’s fine too. Perhaps you might think of your core Self as simply an energy within us that we all have access to that already possesses the qualities of calm, compassion, curiosity, connectedness, clarity, creativity, courage, confidence, patience, persistence, playfulness, perspective, and more.
Just as our parts need the loving, compassionate energy of our core Self to balance, harmonise and embrace them, our Self needs the quirks, gifts and idiosyncrasies of our parts (or sub-personalities) to be whole. They are interdependent, and together they swim in a bigger field of loving Self-energy of the collective. Our wholeness then is not limited to our connection to our inner parts and core Self but it includes our connection to the larger field of collective consciousness, collective burdens, collective gifts and collective memories.
Our wholeness can be hard to see because our society has taught us to identify with just one or a few parts of ourselves while discarding the others. Just like the fish swimming in the ocean might not be able to know what water is because it is all around it, we too are often blind to our wholeness because it is all around us. And even if it takes us a lifetime or more to recognise that we are inherently whole, it would not really matter because we can never be anything other than ‘whole’ and complete just the way we are.
In case, like me, you are also wandering through the wilderness of your psyche while navigating the countless advertisements from varied industries to find your ‘true self’ or to create the best version of yourself, I hope you know that you really do not need to look any further for your wholeness because you are already experiencing it - albeit, one part at a time, one step at a time. You are already immersed in your wholeness. And the only way we can sense into our wholeness is by pausing, noticing when we are too identified with our parts, unblending from them and making space for the clear perception and awareness of our core Self to welcome any and all parts of ourselves into a warm embrace.
Learn more & connect:
If you’re keen to learn more about IFS therapy and how it could support you in your own journey (no matter where you’re at), feel free to connect with me for a short 15-min chat. There is no obligation to sign up for any therapy services after our chat - I’d love to get to know what questions you have regarding this model of therapy and also meet others on their own inner journey!
Simply click on this link and book a date for a one-on-one connection call with me (:
